because I love him as well。
If you object and think to yourselves； “Now what is this love about？” I’d
find you justified。 It’s not that I failed to notice during the years we waited
under the same roof for my husband’s return； how pitiful； weak and selfish
this man was。 But now that Esther tells me he earns a lot of money—and I can
always tell when she’s being truthful from her raised eyebrows—since he has
money； and with it self…confidence； the overbearing Hasan has surely
disappeared； exposing the dark； jinnlike peculiarity that attracts me to him。 I
discovered this side of him through the letters he stubbornly sent to me。
Both Black and Hasan have suffered for their love of me。 Black disappeared；
traveling for twelve years。 The other； Hasan； sent me letters every day； in the
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corners of which he’d illustrated birds and gazelles。 At first I was frightened of
him； but later； I loved to read his letters again and again。
As I well knew that Hasan was thoroughly curious about everything having
to do with me； I wasn’t surprised that he knew I’d seen my husband’s corpse
in a dream。 What I suspected was that Esther was letting Hasan read the
letters I’d sent to Black。 That’s why I sent no response to Black by way of
Esther。 You know better than I whether my suspicions are justified。
“Where were you？” I said to the children when they returned。
They quickly understood that I wasn’t really angry。 Discreetly； I pulled
Shevket aside； to the edge of the darkened closet。 I lifted him onto my lap。 I
kissed his head and the nape of his neck。
“You’re cold； my dear；” I said。 “Give me those pretty hands of yours so
Mother can warm them up…”
His hands had a foul smell； but I didn’t ment。 Pressing his head to my
bosom； I gave him a long hug。 In a short time he warmed up； relaxing like a
kitten； sweetly mewling with pleasure。
“So then； you love your mother quite a lot； don’t you？”
“Ummmhmmm。”
“Is that a ”yes‘？“
“Yes。”
“More than anybody else？”
“Yes。”
“Then I’m going to tell you something；” I said as if divulging a secret。 “But
you won’t tell anyone； all right？” I whispered in his ear： “I love you more than
anyone； you know that？”
“More than Orhan； even？”
“More than Orhan； even。 Orhan’s young； like a small bird； he doesn’t
understand anything。 You’re smarter； you’re able to understand。” I kissed and
smelled his hair。 “So； I’m going to ask you a favor。 Remember how you secretly
brought Black a blank piece of paper yesterday？ You’ll do the same today； all
right？”
“He’s the one who killed Father。”
“What？”
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“He killed my father。 He himself said so yesterday in the house of the
Hanged Jew。”
“What did he say？”
“”I killed your father；“ he said。 ”I’ve killed plenty of men；“ he said。”
Suddenly something happened。 Shevket slid down my lap and began to cry。
Why was this child crying now？ All right then； I confess； I must’ve been unable
to control myself just then； and I slapped him。 I wouldn’t want anyone to
think I was hard…hearted。 But how could he say such nonsense about a man
I’d been making arrangements to marry—and that； with the well…being of
these boys in mind。
My poor little fatherless boy was still crying； and all at once； this upset me
greatly。 I； too； was on the verge of tears。 We hugged each other。 He hiccuped
occasionally。 Did this slap merit so much crying？ I stroked his hair。
This is how it all began： The previous day； as you know； I’d told my father in
passing that I’d dreamed my husband had died。 Actually； as happened quite
frequently over these four years during which my husband never returned
from battling the Persians； I dreamed of him fleetingly； and there was also a
corpse； but was he the corpse？ This was a mystery to me。
Dreams are always used as a means to other ends。 In Portugal； from where
Esther’s grandmother had emigrated； it seems dreams were used as an excuse
to prove heretics met with the Devil and made love。 For example； even if
Esther’s forebears denied their Jewishness by declaring； “We’ve bee
Catholics like you；” the Jesuit torturers of the Portuguese Church；
unconvinced； would torture them； forcing them to describe the jinns and
demons of their dreams； as well as burdening them with dreams they never
had。 Then they’d force the Jews to confess these dreams so in the end they
could burn them at the stake。 In this way； dreams could be manipulated over
there； to show that people were having sex with the Devil and to accuse and
condemn Jews。
Dreams are good for three things：
ALIF：
You want something but you just can’t ask for it。 So you’ll say that
you’ve dreamed about it。 In this manner； you can ask for what you want
without actually asking for it。
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The dreams we recount are never the ones we actually see in our sleep。
When people say they’ve “seen it；” they simply describe the dream that is
“dreamed” during the day； and there’s always an underlying purpose。 Only an
idiot would describe his actual nighttime dreams exactly as he’s had them。 If
you do； everyone will make fun of you or； as always； interpret the dream as a
bad omen。 No one takes real dreams seriously； including those who dream
them。 Or； pray tell； do you？
Through a dream that I half…heartedly recounted； I hinted that my husband
might truly be dead。 Though my father at first wouldn’t accept this as an
indication of the truth； after returning from the funeral； he was suddenly
persuaded by the evidence of the dream； and concluded that my husband was
indeed dead。 Thus； everyone not only believed that my husband； who was
virtually immortal these past four years； had died in a dream； they couldn’t
have been more certain of his death had it been officially announced。 It was
only then that the boys truly realized that they’d been left fatherless。 It was
then that they truly began to grieve。
“Do you ever have dreams？” I asked Shevket。
“Yes；” he said smiling。 “My father doesn’t return home； and I end up
marrying you。”
His narrow nose； dark eyes and broad shoulders resemble me more than his
father。 Occasionally； I feel guilty that I wasn’t able to pass on to my children
their father’s high； broad forehead。
“Go on then； play ”swordsman‘ with your brother。“
BA：
You want to harm someone。 For example； you want to slander a
woman。 So； you’ll say that such…and…such woman is mitting
adultery or that such…and…such pasha is pilfering wine by the jug。 I
dreamed it； you’ll say。 In this fashion； even if they don’t believe you； the
mere mention of the sinful deed is almost never forgotten。
DJIM：
You want something； but you don’t even know what it is。 So； you’ll
describe a confusing dream。 Your friends or family will immediately
interpret the dream and tell you what you need or what they can do for
you。 For example； they’ll say： You need a husband； a child； a house…
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“Can we use father’s old sword？”
“Yes。”
For some time； I gazed at the ceiling； listening to the sounds of the boys’
swords striking each other； as I struggled to quell the fear and anxiety that was
brewing within me。 I went down to the kitchen and said to Hayriye： “My
father’s been asking for fish soup for quite some time now。 Maybe I ought to
send you to Galleon Harbor。 Why don’t you take a few strips of that dried
fruit pulp that Shevket likes out of its hiding place and let the kids have some。”
While Shevket was eating in the kitchen； Orhan and I went upstairs。 I lifted
him onto my lap and kissed his neck。
“You’re covered in sweat；” I said。 “What happened here？”
“Shevket hit me with our uncle’s red sword。”
“It’s bruised；” I said and touched the spot。 “Does it hurt？ How thoughtless
our Shevket is。 Listen to what I have to say。 You’re very smart and sensitive。 I
have a request to make of you。 If you do what I say； I’ll tell you a secret that I
won’t tell Shevket or anyone else。”
“What is it？”
“Do you see this piece of paper？ You’re to go to your grandfather； and
without letting him see； you’re to place this in Black Effendi’s hand。 Do you
understand？”
“I understand。”
“Will you do it？”
“What’s the secret？”
“Just take him the paper；” I said。 I once again kissed his neck； which smelled
fragrantly。 And while we’re on the subject of fragrance； it’s been so very long
since Hayriye has taken these boys to the public bath。 They haven’t gone since
Shevket’s thing began to rise in front of the women there。 “I’ll tell you the
secret later。” I kissed him。 “You’re very bright and very pretty。 Shevket’s a
nuisance。 He’d even have the audacity to lift a hand against his mother。”
“I’m not going to deliver this；” he said。 “I’m afraid of Black Effendi。 He’s
the one who killed my father。”
“Shevket told you this； didn’t he？” I said。 “Quick； go downstairs and tell
him to e here。”
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Orhan could see the rage in my face。 Terrified； he slid off my lap and ran
out of the room。 Maybe he was even slightly pleased that Shevket was in
trouble。 A while later； both of them returned flushed and blushing。 Shevket
was holding a strip of dried fruit in one hand and a sword in the other。
“You’ve told your brother that Black was the one who killed your father；” I
said。 “I don’t ever want you to say such a thing in this house again。 You should
both show respect and affection to Black。 Do we understand each other？ I
won’t allow you to live your entire lives without a father。”
“I don’t want him。 I’d rather re